Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Restful Doorway Syndrome

A neuro-physiological condition affecting the ability of affected persons to walk through doorways without slowing down, or in extreme cases, stopping movement all together. The syndrome is most pronounced in situations involving an exit from crowded rooms although exits from warm rooms into the cold outdoors also bring out symptoms of the syndrome. Although Restful Doorway Syndrome can express itself in solitary infected persons, it is much more likely to express itself in groups.

This image exhibits some of the manifestations of Solitary Restful Doorway Syndrome

There is no known cure for restful doorway syndrome. Among attempted therapies is repeated applications of "excuse me." Studies universally indicate that this therapy is completely ineffective. Another attempted intervention is for those standing behind individuals suffering from Restful Doorway Syndrome to push against them from behind. Results from this therapy are mixed because it causes potentially unwanted side effects such as: resentment and frustration from sufferers.

The long term prognosis for individuals suffering from Restful Doorway Syndrome is not good. Over time sufferers lose the ability to walk through hallways, lobbies, and down sidewalks without stopping. Additionally, long-term sufferers increasingly walk and stop shoulder to shoulder in groups. Eventually Terminal Sufferers begin to engage in what is commonly referred to as the "cell-phone walk" where they compulsively manipulate their cell phone, Black Berry Device, or iPhone while simultaneously slowing their locomotion until they move slightly slower than frozen snail snot.


Jared W. said...

Love it. I am so glad that you are old and married now.

Catherine Hess said...

Is this real? Or are you just complaining about people who walk slow? oh...just wait Dave - one day you'll have cute little kids and you'll have to stop every two seconds to pick up their shoe they just took off, fix their glove that is bothering them, find your keys you let the baby play with, etc...then you'll really be slow as frozen snail snot. :)

Jason said...

Hey, is this anything like Restful Switchback Syndrome? ;)